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The Only Election Issue You Need to Know About

January 12, 2015

Republican or Democrat?  Doesn't matter.

Liberal or Conservative?  Who cares?

Whig or Tory?  Do you even know what that means?

 

The only--THE ONLY--issue you should consider is the name of the probable candidate for President who once served as governor of Florida.

 

Not Bush.  That's a fine old name with a long history behind it, not to mention two previous Presidents who also bore it.

 

But we as a nation cannot, under any circumstances, elect as President a man with the name "Jeb."

 

Why?

 

Because it would severely and negatively impact myself, the author of this blog, and I think that is something that the nation does not want to see.  Can we not all band together and agree, across party and philosophical lines, that to have a name like "Jeb" be mentioned on the news every single night from now until 2024 would be a gross imposition upon me?  Can we not further agree that such a thing must not be allowed to happen?

 

I LIKE my name.  I like having a name so rare and distinctive.  Name one other person you personally know named Jeb.  (Bushes and their friends are disqualified from that rhetoric, by the way.)  Can't do it, can you?  Even if you can, chances are you're thinking of ME.  

 

So if Mr. Bush runs, I expect to have a year and a half of saying, "Yes, like Jeb Bush." Is that fair?  No, but I can deal with it.  Suppose he wins, though!  Then I have the rest of my life to say, "Yes, like Jeb Bush."  And that's just cruel. Nobody understood when I told them "It's just like J.E.B. Stuart, the famous Confederate General," or "Just like Jeb Magruder, Nixon's head of CREEP, convicted during the Watergate scandal," so why should they make the connection with the political scion of George I?

 

I know, he had the name first.  He's older than me by several years.  But with the petulance of youth I say, "I don't care!"  I paraphrase Michael Bolton, the character from Office Space: "Why should I have to change?  He's the one who sucks!"

 

Here's another point to consider.  All my life, when I introduce myself as Jeb Brack, people repeat my name incorrectly: "Jeff?  Jim?  Joe?  John?  Jed?" are just some of the less farfetched attempts that I've heard.  And while I can expect that people will become more familiar with the name Jeb, and thus pronounce it correctly, I also feel certain that my new middle initial will become O, as in "Oh, just like Jeb Bush!"

 

If that happens, then the whole house of cards collapses.  I don't know if you know this, but my name is actually my initials: Jonathan E. Brack.  And if my middle initial changes to O, then I've got a whole new set of problems.  So please, I beg you: do not allow Mr. Bush to be elected President.  It's bad for me, which means it's bad for the country.  

 

God Bless The United States of America.

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