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  • Writer's pictureJeb Brack

15 Things I Want To Say To A FaceBigot

Every so often, a post like this will crop up in my Facebook feed. Not because I’m friends with people like this, but because I am friends with people who are. This one showed up because a Facebook friend of mine was tagged in the post. (For the record, he didn't "like" or share the post. I hope this is just as offensive to him as to me.) I've blurred out the names of everyone tagged, because they didn't ask to receive this:

I hate everything this post stands for. But if I cull everything nasty from my feed, I’m turning it into the same kind of echo chamber that breeds people like this. Instead, I think it’s good to remind myself that there are people who think differently, and try to see where they’re coming from, if only so I can better argue against them.

I know it’s pointless to argue with a troll like this on Facebook; it won't change anyone's mind or make them ashamed of themselves. Instead, it will just open a pipeline of vitriol with my account as the holding tank. That doesn’t stop me from thinking of all sorts of snappy rejoinders to their post. Some are just as hateful as their post, some are compassionate and rational, and some are pretty damn funny if I do say so myself. I hate to waste them. So here are 15 things I wanted to post to them, in no particular order and with apologies to Cyrano de Bergerac.

1. Ironic. Couldn’t agree more. Damn goat humpers. The only thing worse than a goat humper is a small minded, semi-literate bigot.

2. Pedantic. You’re not racist. Racists hate people for their ethnicity or genetic makeup. You’re technically a bigot. Bigots are intolerant of people with different viewpoints or religions.

3. Historic. Should we round up all the goat humpers and put them in camps? That sounds like a democratic solution!

4. Curious. What is a goat humper exactly? If you’re not afraid of being called a racist, shouldn’t you be more specific about who you hate?

5. Political. Yeah, that goat-humper lobby is pretty powerful in Washington, changing all our laws and shit. Things just haven’t been the same since they became the majority.

6. Aromatic. I’m glad this showed up in my feed. It’s good to remind myself what shit smells like.

7. Impatient. That “dislike” button can’t come fast enough.

8. Personal. Geez, you hump ONE goat…

9. Cinematic. To paraphrase Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam, if we get rid of all the goat humpers and compassionate human beings, all we’ll have in here is a bunch of brain dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?

10. Patriotic. Stop being afraid of being called a racist and act like Americans? If we act like Americans, that means we respect everyone regardless of nationality, race, or religion, so shut up or GTFO.

11. Ideological. Act like Americans? Americans aren’t cowardly hate mongers. At least, good Americans aren’t.

12. Grammatical. *losing. If you’re going to be an American, learn to use the language.

13. Editorial. This isn’t truth. This is opinion. Just like it’s my opinion that you’re an asshole for believing this crap, let alone posting it.

14. Incredulous. Isn’t our country great? We have room for goat humpers AND vicious, hate-spewing pukes like you!

15. Belligerent. Fuck you.

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